Part 2 of a two-part series. Read Part 1.
Imagine with me the following scenarios:
- You’re trying to get to know your neighbor, but they seem to be guarded and unwilling to share anything deeper than discussions about the weather and lawn care.
- Your spouse is dealing with a significant health issue. You want to share this with others because it deeply affects you as well, but your spouse is very private and does not wish for you to share with anyone.
- You tell your friend about a difficult situation at work, only to find out that they shared your situation with a mutual friend. You are hurt that they shared this information without your permission.
These are just a few examples of the ways privacy management plays out in everyday life. In Part 1, I shared how the complexities of human relationships require us to cultivate a better understanding of interpersonal communication so that we can love others well. I also shared about how the theory of Communication Privacy Management (CPM) helps us better understand how to manage privacy boundaries.[1] Based on that foundation, here are two practical tips for how to navigate privacy differences.
1. Don’t assume everyone has the same boundaries or rules.
Boundaries and rules for privacy management differ greatly from person to person. It’s helpful to pay attention to the clues others provide, either explicitly or implicitly, about their boundaries and rules for privacy. Research shows that self-disclosure is tied to intimacy.[2] It is a privilege when others share information about themselves with us, and one way to show honor and respect that privilege is to hold their information carefully.
For instance, those who have dealt with abuse in their past tend to have thick and very defined boundaries, and they seek to control their information very carefully. Sometimes something as simple as a last name, birthdate, or hometown is considered private to them. If these friends share personal information with me, I take that honor very seriously, recognizing that I must now respectfully maintain their boundaries.
In addition, everyone has a frame of reference through which they view the world and communicate with others. This frame of reference is shaped by their upbringing, family of origin, experiences, cultural background, and more. Some cultures have thick and very defined boundaries and only select family members have access to certain private information. These factors contribute to how we communicate. So, be aware of your own frame of reference and strive to understand the other person’s frame of reference when deciding whether to share their personal information.
2. Just because you know something, doesn’t mean you should share it.
We all have private information we are privy to due to our jobs or societal roles. Those in healthcare have HIPAA laws which provide national standards on how to navigate private health information. People in other jobs may be aware of interesting information about clients or customers. Parents jointly control their children’s information. Children’s boundaries are far more permeable with their parents, and their privacy rules likely mirror their parents’ until they grow older. However, children may have strong opinions about what personal information their parents share and with whom. On the other hand, children trying to assist their aging parents must balance their parents’ desire to still control their own information and their parents’ need for their assistance which requires information sharing.
No matter the situation, pause and seek the Lord’s wisdom. Ask yourself, “Is this my information to share?” or “Would this person be comfortable with me sharing this?” If you aren’t sure, then ask. Unless information is solely yours to control and communicate, consider who else might be affected by you sharing the information.
The Power of the Tongue
My husband and I often joke that we are hyper-disclosers. We share everything with everyone. My bent is to share any information that comes to mind. The Lord has convicted me often about this tendency to be hasty with my words (Prov. 29:19). Sadly, at times it is only after a conversation that I realize my mistake. As Matt Mitchell explains in his article for Desiring God, “You might not be able to discern your own motives in the heat of the moment. Sometimes you will need to prayerfully go back over them, or even ask a wise friend to help you conduct a post-game analysis of a previous conversation.”[3]
I find that it is wise to pause and consider if information should be shared before I open my mouth. My prayer is that I, and you, will “ponder how to answer” (Prov.15:28) and be prudent in concealing knowledge (Prov. 12:23) rather than have the “mouth of the wicked who pours out evil things” (Prov. 15:28) or the “heart of fools who proclaim folly” (Prov. 12:23).
As you apply the principles of CPM through the lens of Scripture, you will grow in your understanding of how to be wise with your words and love others well. For we must remember that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Prov. 18:21).
References
Mitchell, Matt. (2021, May 26). What Is Gossip? Exposing a Common and Dangerous Sin. Desiring God. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-is-gossip
Parks, M.R. (1982). Ideology of interpersonal communication: Off the couch and into the world. In M. Burgoon (Ed.), Communication yearbook 5 (pp. 480-497). New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Books.
Petronio, S. (2002). Boundaries of privacy: Dialectics of disclosure. Albany, NY: SUNY Press.
[1] Sandra Petronio, Boundaries of Privacy: Dialectics of Disclosure. (Albany: SUNY Press, 2002).
[2] M.R. Parks, Ideology of Personal Communication: Off the Couch and Into the World (New Brunswick: Transaction Books, 1982).
[3] Matt Mitchell, “What Is Gossip? Exposing a Common and Dangerous Sin”, Desiring God, May 26, 2021, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-is-gossip.
