In the spring of 2022, I hit an all-time low. The previous summer I had expensive surgery that we were hopeful would finally relieve my chronic lower back pain. There was a slight improvement in pain, but it was nominal at best. In addition, I had frequent bouts of debilitating upper back pain which I had dealt with since my twenties. I had been to countless physicians, specialists, and chiropractors and spent hundreds of hours in physical therapy and various other treatments. Due to the complexity of my issues, I seemed to have reached the end of my options. I was coming to grips with the fact that this ongoing, unending pain could potentially be my reality for the rest of my life. The darkness and sadness I felt threatened to overwhelm me. The Lord has often blessed me with an abiding joy despite my chronic pain, so this lingering despair and sadness was startling and a bit unnerving.
It was at this point that I decided it was time to get some help. I reached out to a counselor. I explained my situation. I expected her advice to include admonishment over my lack of faith or encouragement to read my Bible or memorize Scripture more. She listened well and finally said, “It sounds like you are handling this with a biblical mindset. Have you ever just allowed yourself to lament how hard this is?” While lament is something I was very familiar with, I had limited it to catastrophes, tragedies, others’ suffering, and systemic political or social issues, but certainly not to my little ol’ back issues.
In the months that followed, I found myself leaning into the sorrow and disappointment I felt over the limits my back pain had put on my daily life. I used to grit my teeth, quote Scripture, and remind myself of God’s promises. In my mind discouragement was a sign of failure, selfishness, or a lack of trust in God’s sovereign plan for my life. Lament allowed me to biblically express my sadness, anger, sorrow, questions, and disappointments. Many mornings I would drop off the kids at school, find an empty parking lot, read some lament Psalms, and cry for a while. Even though my circumstances hadn’t changed, it was amazing how this act of lament gave me the joy and peace I needed to keep going one more day.
I’m thankful that the Psalms provide a language for expressing my sadness and questions. For instance, in Psalm 13 you can hear David’s desperation and despair as he asks, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I love that our comforting Savior provides space for us to mourn and to question. I also appreciate David’s example of how to balance lament with remembering what he knows to be true of God. At the end of Psalm 13 we see a turn. David says, “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.” As Tara Leigh Cobble puts it, “David ends by reminding his soul that hope is coming. He knows God is trustworthy and he chooses to trust that God is still working.”
As months passed, my back pain didn’t go away, but I found myself lamenting less. It’s as if I had gone through a period of mourning and I was finally coming out of it. This is how I learned that sometimes joy comes through lament. It makes me think of Psalm 30:5 where the psalmist says that “joy comes in the morning.” I’m so thankful that while “sorrow may last for the night” and feels at times like it will never end, our Savior never leaves us there. I would also say that joy comes in the mourning. I now know that lament is a natural and important part of the Christian life. There is a time and a place to lament the brokenness of this world. Even more, lament, in an odd way, can lead to joy.
As I fast forward to today, I have had four back surgeries in two years, two ribs removed, and an electrical device implanted. I have seen notable improvement in my pain, and I no longer have to consider quitting my job due to my physical limitations. Yet, pain is still a daily part of my life, and I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. So, I live in the gap. Some days the discouragement creeps in and threatens to overwhelm me. On those days I go back to the lament Psalms to guide my heart. Other days, joy is easier to come by. While pain may be a regular accessory in my life, I know that through lament and remembering, the Lord will provide all I need for each day.
