When I sit across from a student, whether we are out for coffee, lunch, or in the counseling room, I often will hear the words “I just feel alone.”
Many middle school and high school students are feeling deep loneliness. They don’t feel like they are known or seen. They crave community but aren’t sure how to get it.
Why is it that our teens are more lonely than ever?
Social media has created a deceptive sense of reality for our teens that makes them feel like they are connected and known while actually heaping on social anxiety and pressure to be perfect. There are other factors at play too—including struggles with identity, worth, and comparison.
And then, of course, there are the age-old struggles of being a teenager. Being left out, gossiped about, or forgotten by friends or peers can make a teen feel like there is no one to turn to. These moments are incredibly painful and can add even more complexity to a teenager finding true community.
One thing we know to be true is that Jesus is the answer to the brokenness we see in ourselves and in the world, so take heart, parent, mentor, or friend.
As terrible as loneliness is, it can be used to draw a struggling teen closer to their Savior who loves them and gave his life for them.
So, how do we come alongside a struggling teenager and help them navigate the loneliness they are experiencing?
1. Connect them to truth
Our students need to understand that God has created them for a purpose—to be in relationship with Jesus, to be known by him, and to make him known. That is the meaning of their life!
He has also created them to be in community. That is where this deep craving to be in a relationship with other people comes from. It is actually a very good thing, and it is a gift that the Lord has given each one of us. Because we live in a broken world, however, we experience many types of suffering. This suffering, unfortunately, includes loneliness.
If the gospel means that Jesus will redeem all things, that means he can redeem loneliness. This means that a lonely teen can almost immediately apply the hope of the gospel into their life. Loneliness, as terrible as it is, is a wonderful bridge to the gospel. There is a God in heaven who created us to be in relationship with him and through Jesus, we can have that relationship. It is a relationship so valuable that not even a thousand friendships can compare to it. This is the message that our teens need to hear more than anything, even in the midst of their present hurt and suffering.
2. Encourage them to be bold and help them find community
A few weeks ago, I was on a walk with a teen in our Student Ministry and she shared with me that she is struggling to find friends. I invited her to start by naming a few girls who she knew loved Jesus, admired in some way, and would like to be friends with. She named a few girls that came to mind.
“Okay,” I said, “Now, I want you to reach out to one of them this week and ask her if she would like to grab coffee sometime.”
“What?” She looked at me in shock. “That’s weird!”
We spent the rest of our time talking through how that is not actually weird. That is how friendship begins. You intentionally pursue someone, get to know them, and start to build a friendship. However, in a culture of social media scrolling and observing others at a distance, teens often feel like this kind of direct behavior is odd or awkward. This is where adults can come in and remind them to be bold and courageous and to fight for the community they need.
Community won’t just happen to you. Friendship and a godly community take time to build and flourish. You have to work for it and intentionally pursue it.
3. Don’t let them be alone
In my conversations with teenagers struggling with loneliness I will often ask them what they do in the evenings or weekends outside of school. Almost always, they share with me that they spend a lot of time in their rooms alone on their phone, playing video games, or doing homework. As you can imagine, this unhealthy cycle they have found themselves in is only feeding their loneliness because they are indeed alone.
We need parents and mentors to step into their teens’ lives and not allow them to slip into the easy but dangerous cycle of spending hours and hours alone and in front of screens. Family dinners, activities, being involved in Christian community, and time with friends and family is so important to a teen’s mental, physical, and spiritual health. Teenagers need people pulling them back into reality and encouraging them to spend time with people in real life, not just on screens.
Teens, now more than ever, need Christ-centered community, godly friendships, and older people in their lives to push them to truth. Parents, mentors, and friends can come alongside teens, cheer them on, and remind them they have a Savior who will never leave them.
